My Untold Story.

Currently, I was on high to write since Anaest posting made us to write daily diary. It made me to scroll and re-read all the drafts I've written from months to years back. And this is the recent one. It took me a whole lot of courage for me to publish this one.

So here it goes.

Sunday - November 11th, 2018 

It's 6.23 PM, and I felt a little melancholic all of a sudden. Maybe I am too tired. So I grab my water brush and a piece of paper and started to draw. I never thought it would end up like this.

Deep down in me, I just wanted to leave it there.

Because I’m afraid that if I continue, it will get worst.

*           *           *

I received a lot questions of, “How did you do that?”

“I don’t know”, shrugging my shoulders.

But after all these years analysing it, I finally know the answer.

Every time I started to draw, there’ll must be ‘this feeling’ that triggered me. Usually it will be the “sad” emotion that drives me to sway my brush. And surprisingly, the drawing will turn out beyond my expectation. Especially for those drawings that isn’t my specialty ; a portrait of a person.

The drawbacks I’ll get following the sequelae of succeeding some drawings is ; “Syuhada, can you make that for me?”

And I’ll have that *moment of silence* .

Because for me, every drawings has it own unique journey. There are feelings I inserted in my drawings. That’s why every piece of it, is very special for me. My heart is a big part of every masterpiece I made.

And for that, (and for now) I am not a freelance artist who’re able to custom made pieces upon request. Because it is just like demanding my soul to have “that feeling” so that I can draw, when my body is not in that term. In simpler words, I know I can make at least some side income if I become a freelance Artist, but one can’t just force me to be sad so that I can draw beautifully.

But most of the time, I’ll lose to the word “help” and “friend”. Aah my heart is so fragile..

Talking about selling my art piece : It had been circulating in my mind and made chaos in my heart ever since ;

Contemplating,  “Should I ?” or “I should not and just focus on my studies”

“Even If I should, how?”

“I am not a legit artist that came from so and so degree background, bachelor of whatever-artist-study”

“I don’t even know what is the value of my drawing. Firstly, because I ain’t the legitimate one and secondly, every piece I made is so dear to me. Meaning, for  me, it can’t be measured by an amount of money.

All because, it is made up of My feelings. A genuine one.

*            *          *

I know, I am not known as a person who expresses feelings through whatever came from my tongue or my facial expression. Its because, I don’t like to make others feel bad of whatever I feel. So I will only remain silent and etched a smile. “Its okay” and “I can go along with anything” is my mantra. Hehe #ThatsHowIntrovertsWorks #orIsItJustMe?

Hence behind that close door, there will be me transferring the sorrowful- downhearted-energy into drawing. This, is My Untold Story.

Yet, when twisting the angle, there’s another perspective where the light came in. Although, it will be that gloomy feeling that kickstart and made me through the process of making art,

at the end of the day, the journey itself heals me.

The striked curves and lines, the mixing colours, the controlling water volume, the swaying brush on that pure white space, – Is how I re-focus and re-centred my life from all the downtime circumstances that happened.

So drawing isn’t a superficial hobby. To me, it’s the natural remedy that always have been in me. And for that, I am thankful enough.

I hope you can take the guess already. That, whenever I suddenly draw, I am actually trying to heal myself.

I do the cries too. Just that, aside from it relieves the burden that I’m carrying, most of the time, my crying doesn’t draw the energy  that helps me to focus on the bright side, structing a new plan and calculating the risk in meddling the tough moments in life.

With that, I draw. That’s how I know my worth.

You can too.

Recognise your worth and focus on it. Do not settle for less.

You are made to be part of the greatest thing ever happen in life.

I end my word with this,

“If only you knew how much you are worth in the sight of Allah, you’d rip out the sadness from your heart and filled it with peace.”

Love always,

S.