My Untold Story.

Currently, I was on high to write since Anaest posting made us to write daily diary. It made me to scroll and re-read all the drafts I've written from months to years back. And this is the recent one. It took me a whole lot of courage for me to publish this one.

So here it goes.

Sunday - November 11th, 2018 

It's 6.23 PM, and I felt a little melancholic all of a sudden. Maybe I am too tired. So I grab my water brush and a piece of paper and started to draw. I never thought it would end up like this.

Deep down in me, I just wanted to leave it there.

Because I’m afraid that if I continue, it will get worst.

*           *           *

I received a lot questions of, “How did you do that?”

“I don’t know”, shrugging my shoulders.

But after all these years analysing it, I finally know the answer.

Every time I started to draw, there’ll must be ‘this feeling’ that triggered me. Usually it will be the “sad” emotion that drives me to sway my brush. And surprisingly, the drawing will turn out beyond my expectation. Especially for those drawings that isn’t my specialty ; a portrait of a person.

The drawbacks I’ll get following the sequelae of succeeding some drawings is ; “Syuhada, can you make that for me?”

And I’ll have that *moment of silence* .

Because for me, every drawings has it own unique journey. There are feelings I inserted in my drawings. That’s why every piece of it, is very special for me. My heart is a big part of every masterpiece I made.

And for that, (and for now) I am not a freelance artist who’re able to custom made pieces upon request. Because it is just like demanding my soul to have “that feeling” so that I can draw, when my body is not in that term. In simpler words, I know I can make at least some side income if I become a freelance Artist, but one can’t just force me to be sad so that I can draw beautifully.

But most of the time, I’ll lose to the word “help” and “friend”. Aah my heart is so fragile..

Talking about selling my art piece : It had been circulating in my mind and made chaos in my heart ever since ;

Contemplating,  “Should I ?” or “I should not and just focus on my studies”

“Even If I should, how?”

“I am not a legit artist that came from so and so degree background, bachelor of whatever-artist-study”

“I don’t even know what is the value of my drawing. Firstly, because I ain’t the legitimate one and secondly, every piece I made is so dear to me. Meaning, for  me, it can’t be measured by an amount of money.

All because, it is made up of My feelings. A genuine one.

*            *          *

I know, I am not known as a person who expresses feelings through whatever came from my tongue or my facial expression. Its because, I don’t like to make others feel bad of whatever I feel. So I will only remain silent and etched a smile. “Its okay” and “I can go along with anything” is my mantra. Hehe #ThatsHowIntrovertsWorks #orIsItJustMe?

Hence behind that close door, there will be me transferring the sorrowful- downhearted-energy into drawing. This, is My Untold Story.

Yet, when twisting the angle, there’s another perspective where the light came in. Although, it will be that gloomy feeling that kickstart and made me through the process of making art,

at the end of the day, the journey itself heals me.

The striked curves and lines, the mixing colours, the controlling water volume, the swaying brush on that pure white space, – Is how I re-focus and re-centred my life from all the downtime circumstances that happened.

So drawing isn’t a superficial hobby. To me, it’s the natural remedy that always have been in me. And for that, I am thankful enough.

I hope you can take the guess already. That, whenever I suddenly draw, I am actually trying to heal myself.

I do the cries too. Just that, aside from it relieves the burden that I’m carrying, most of the time, my crying doesn’t draw the energy  that helps me to focus on the bright side, structing a new plan and calculating the risk in meddling the tough moments in life.

With that, I draw. That’s how I know my worth.

You can too.

Recognise your worth and focus on it. Do not settle for less.

You are made to be part of the greatest thing ever happen in life.

I end my word with this,

“If only you knew how much you are worth in the sight of Allah, you’d rip out the sadness from your heart and filled it with peace.”

Love always,

S.

The G Virtue.

Today,

I just want to be grateful

that as I dart my head out of the window, 

I can sense the dawn air molecules run through my airway,

greet and fill my lungs with absolute freshness.

I just want to be grateful,

for the warm hearty laksa that stained my tastebud with nothing but magnificent

-- made me fly over the moon, this morning. 

I just want to be grateful,

to the anonymous kind soul who land mown our wildest spiking grass

as we came home to a brighter green clean yard.

I just want to be grateful,

for the usuals that barely left extra,

yet still sustained.

for the loving circles with defined and distinct characters,

who always have been there.

for the energetic, genuine, heartfelt lecturers,

who spur and unlock the hidden encyclopaedic potential in us, in profound ways.

for the flaming spirit and accelerating adrenaline,

that drives me beyond self-barricade.

even when inner adversity and challenges uninvitedly strikes,

choose to be Grateful, for it is The Calling from Above secretly whisper how much He miss our heart returning back to Him.

What more can I not be grateful for in this life?

Today

is no other special day,

but just another day,

to be Grateful.

-sz.

The Important lesson learnt during my Surgery posting.

I wish to access your mind. because I secretly think you're a genius!

Assalamualaikum and hello ladies! (and gents. I don't know if male are interested in blog-reading too)

After 2 months of my hiatus, which also equivalent to the period of my surgical posting, here I am, Alhamdulillah back writing again. And to be honest, I have done with my end of posting exam earlier this morning. Alhamdulillah.

I have no exact idea what to write but let me backstory a bit about my surgical experience. I am sorry that this sounds nerdy, but worry not, as I penned down this journey, I will extract some lessons I found within these 2 months, so that dear-syuhada-in-the-future will always get reminded of this lil things that fertilise her in growing to be better! and also may benefitted those who read this. InshaAllah.

*            *             *

I am still learning (read : crawling) in this clinical year phase. And will always passionate and eager to learn new things. So having said that, "You learn most, by making mistakes" is something I couldn't run from. I even stucked in between two feelings ; the down feeling when I realised I just made a mistake which makes me want to slap myself off, and the feeling of being passionate and curious to always wanting to know and learn MORE! 

Thus the backstory is, this early phase of clinical year have taught me (and still teaching me) on how to trigger critical thinking, how to have in-depth comprehension of a disease/condition and most importantly how to correlate these illnesses to one another, so that we can derive a list of differential diagnosis, for the very least.

and I couldn't.

I make mistakes.

I am frustrated when others are able to do all these, but I can't. 

*cries*

*ok breathe*

But at the same time, I am very curious and impatient to learn about it. and that what keeps me going till now. oh thank God, I might quit if I don't.

*             *              *

It took time for me to absorb the realisation of being human. Its entity and its nature, which first and foremost ; human are not perfect. We're not angel that are created with purely goodness and nothing else, neither devil which full of wickedness. 

And I have goosebumps when, Allah SWT made me encountered in my routine Qur'an recitation while waiting for Isha' just now, about the story of His order to all of His creations, the angels and iblees to make obeisance to Adam AS, when he was first created. 

And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate to Adam," and they prostrated, except Iblees; he refused.

(Surah Taha 20 :116)

And [mention] when We said to the angles, "Prostrate to Adam," and they prostrated, except for Iblees. He said, "Should I prostrate to one You created from clay?" 

(Surah Al Isra 17 : 61)

I am not going to tell you about the story for now. because I am piqued with the fundamental of why Allah SWT ask the rest of his creation to bow to Adam (AS), a human. 

and the reason is in the next ayah. Surah Al Isra 17 : 62 :

[Iblees] said, "Do You see this one whom You have honored above me? If You delay me until the Day of Resurrection, I will surely destroy his descendants, except for a few."

This highlighted line, hit a chord on me.

We, human, may not be the perfect one. But we're not created to be a loser too. We are a striver. A striver to be the best and for that, we are the best creation, the honored creation. and there is so many ayah in the Qur'an  explains why we're His Best Creation. 

A striver, a struggler, does not necessarily mean a perfectionist. 

It means to GET UP, when we fell down.

It means to always try, to strive, to struggle to be the best 

despite of any factors that pulls us up and down, +/-  pushes us back and forth.

*                *               *

I've been swamped with deadlines, exhausted catching up with seminars, case write ups and case presentations this past month, that I hardly keep up my pace for purely-me-studying-a-disease-on-a-daily-basis. And even when I did, I will take my sweet in-depth time to dig in about that certain disease. That's why I am slow when it comes to study. I am not smart, thats why I have to cross study over book(s) and website(s). I have to actively penned down the inputs and strike arrows in between them. Because for me, I will study until I reach my satisfactory comprehension level in order to retain its meaningful concept. 

These, then of course leads to sigh-ing here and there. During the midst of exam preparation, it triggered me to complain of how subtle each differential diagnosis can be. Why can't they just simplified it in a table form with the strong positive and strong negative points? then produce a book named "differential diagnosis" (or maybe.. the book does exist! meh :/ It was ME who are so lazy to find out about it!)

but wait.  I took a step back.

and re-think.

thoroughly.

I am going to be lazier, IF all I did was depending on a book and memorise whats in it. When supposedly, the capability  to understand, to correlate and derive all these needed points is actually an ACQUIRED SKILL. No one are born with these skills. No one are congenitally have these skills. To have these skills require training. and it is not an overnight job. Training means, continuously work your ass off and for that reason, you'll be mentally exhausted that your brain will drought-ly shrinks and you'll undeniably experience episodes of feeling down when constructively criticised by profs, then the 'feeling of giving up' will gush through you when everything seems overwhelmed or when you couldn't grasp the little tiniest bits of the concept. 

But you also have to remember, that you won't be having that ample time to skim through pages when its time for you to treat a patient instantaneously. So for that, skills have to be acquired and be PART OF YOU. PART OF YOUR REFLEXES.

So dear-syuhada-in-the-future, don't feel alienated. Chill, this is normal. 

You're a human being. A striver, remember?

Embrace this waves of emotions. 

Use these feelings as the energy that drives you closer to The Creator.

Sometimes its a sign from Allah to ask you to just pause chasing this worldly life, and seek Him.

After all, who took charge of giving the understanding to your heart and mind?

Isn't it The One Who creates our heart and mind?

Allah..

My eyes welled up.

*              *               *

Talking about ACTIVELY studying just so we can earn the knowledge, made me reflect to another most essential thing in life that needs ACTIVE action as well. 

Which is, Seeking Allah SWT.

Sometimes we wonder how some certain people are able to remain steadfast on the Deen, to have perseverance in every circumstances, to apply faith in everything they do, to have good akhlaq, to always have calming and brilliant insights and perspectives. How they do that..?

Then we started to comment,  "Its easy lah for you. You're pious. I got many bad influences around me."

To be honest. I stunned into silence when I received this. My heart just shrinks and sad.

I don't want to justify anything for my defence here. I am not in a position to grade anyone good or bad, because even I am far from being pious.. I am far from perfect.. I am flawed and I have feebleness.

and for that reasons, I ACTIVELY SEEK HIM. 

If I am good enough, why do I have to seek him? 

Think it this way. You seek medical attention from a doctor, because you're sick.

Do you meet the doctor, when you're already healthy?

Do you need medication, when you're already healthy?

Its because and ONLY because I am far from good.. that I NEED TO SEEK HIM, to be good, to be better. 

even for instance, you're not sick. but you did a regular check up with the doctor.

and what is that for?

MAINTENANCE, right?

If our physical well-being need maintenance, then Why not our soul?

when our soul is the primary steering wheel that drives and navigate our actions and our akhlaq.

May Allah SWT ease us in becoming the best of whoever we want to be. May He soften our heart, guide us with His light and make among those who actively attentive in seeking Him. Amin.

*              *            *

After going through hurdles and challenges from every direction that sharpened my heart with real patience, Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, All praise to Allah SWT for granting my friends and I the ease in answering today's end of surgery posting exam. I couldn't be thankful enough to Him for allowing me to taste a pinch of the fruitful forbearance. I feel light and smooth today for no reasons, and thats what catalyse me to write today. Alhamdulillah :)

So I end today's post, with my #JournalOfGratitude for this posting!

My first OT observation for open cholecystectomy! Ehm that Dr look at us maybe because it reminisced his old days when he was excited to watch surgery for the first time too! LOL.

This is me post-op. It is a splendour experience that awed me and made instantly put surgery on top of my #whatiwanttobe list.

ah these crocs! it feels soo good in it, over all shoes in this world. 

kasi can lah for my #firsttimesyndrome OOTD infront of the OT 

so below will be all about FOOD in Kelantan okayy!

One of the hipster cafe in Tanah Merah named, KANTIN. I did not manage to take picture of the cafe atmosphere. You can check it out in their IG ; @tm_kantin :)

One of the best nasi kerabu here. It is famous by the name : NASI KERABU MAYAT. because the restaurant is just next to the rumah mayat (belong to hospital tanah merah) and it is cheap! RM4.00 FOR THIS MASSIVE QUANTITY AND THEIR UNDENIABLE TASTINESS!

I'm going to emphasise here that, I AM NOT ON DIET or TO BE SLIM PLAN. This salad thingy just happen. Tiba tiba ja rasa mau makan salad. and then I fall in love?! So why not?! I continue eating it 3x/week. pergh. walaupun resipi semua hantam ja sebenarnya. haha. but its okay. its a good start!

after the christmas break, we, the sabahans were picked up by our lincoln driver, abang Hafiz. So he stopped us by a restaurant that serve ulam. It was my first time. I never tried it before at home although my elders are ulam lovers. So I give it a try, and I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN?! It made me feels like to plant my own ulam in our garden haha

i can cry craving for ulam + tempoyak. ok over.

if you need the dosage of overwhelmingly sweetness in you, haa try this! Jagung cheese viral!! 

Uzma have been keep saying to us that she wants to do physical examination since the morning. And Prof Ashraf just know whats in her heart and she was picked! Look how poise she was. hihi

One of our Bed Side Teaching (BST) with Prof Walid. He is so graceful just like a WALID!

Prof Ali, Prof Walid and Prof Ashraf is very dear to me and  they are those I really want to seek more knowledge with. I love how they speak every molecule of the input so that we comprehend it by heart and they help us to extend the thread in correlating things. fyi, these two words, comprehend and correlate is veeery deeeep, veeery heavy and alive here in medicine. and these profs are the those who taught me how meaningful they were :') I don't want to be bias but its funny to think back then how I initially try my best to avoid prof Ashraf whenever its my turn to present the case, just because he really love to trigger our most deep critical thinking. But I was just meant to be his dear victim. I have presented to him TWICE!! and thanks to him, I can now overthink these cases to bed and shower. haha BUT HONESTLY. I TRULY LEARN A LOT  FROM THEM :'( Ya Allah please grant all of my teachers and lecturers the extensive rizq and Your limitless love they deserve! please please keep them under your protection <3 td="">

SURTURING! ahh I lovee this so much! Thanks to Prof Ali for passing down these skills to us. I gotta start collecting money to but a suture kit, so that I can suture when I'm bored. hehe

one of my fav thing to do ; Just sit down, write all the thoughts and plans while chomping on my salad.
I do plan my day-to-day after class activity to the very inch. Thats why I love to stay at homee!

my meal prep is backk! Like always, the menu is my fav dish. (I think all of the foods I ate is my favourite)

Macaroni goreng and Carbonara. Just reheat it!

and there you go! My intelligent adorable colleagues that I'll be mingle and work with for the rest of these 3 years!
 GROUP 1 :) ft Prof Ali and Mr Gan.


I just realised that this is my first post for 2018.
so, I am very anticipated what Allah has in-store for me, you, us this year!


Ya Allah make us among those who always progress to improve and be better!
aamiin.





Love and Prayers, S.




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P/S: since it is the new year, so I made a new interface for this blog. Although not so many changes. But I just love how minimalist it is :) Happy Reading!