Feelings.

There is moment in life that you want to tell everyone what you feel.

But knowing that, this life isn't just about you and your feelings,
you keep it yourself..

.. to the point you bottle up
and cry..

Is it wrong to have those feelings?
Because I couldn't help myself to battle against what I feel.

Ya Allah, You heard me..
You know what is within my heart..


so please show me Your signs, and guide me through it,
please ya Allah..

Ease it ya Allah

*            *           *

Beginning of My Clinical Year.

19th September 2017 : BKI - KUL

I get emotional that day. My parents, grandparents send me off at KKIA and my eyes get teary as I kissed their hands and hugged them. Their hopes blew into me, so I hold my tears back and start to walk through the immigration and wave them goodbye, I will come back and be someone they proud of. InshaAllah, ease me Ya Allah! and please take care of my family! please.

At UBK, SMKAKK. Just a couple hours before heading to KKIA.

The remaining hours of the day I spent with Wani and Nina, did our quick browse through the shops in KL, not to forget to stopped by my favourite store, Typo to get my wishlist checked. It is my routine for every new semester to credited myself for passing the semester. Usually, I will get myself a new notebook as an endorsement for myself to pour as much knowledge and experience I encountered in life, especially for this new study atmosphere I am about to enter.

20th September 2017 : KUL - KBR - TM

Early in the morning, everyone started to move out their belongings from Shang Villa Condo into the lorry which will carry our loads to Tanah Merah, Our new campus. Thanks to my friends who have help me out with my heavy storages! At 10 am, Faezah, Kak Izaa, Cheche and I leave Shang Villa for our flight at 2 pm. It was Faezah's first flight and she is beyond excited. So I record some footages of her excitement as a memory she can look back one day. While waiting for our flight, I brought Faezah to wander the building and wait for my sister, Hera to come. After a while, she came with my medical equipments she brought from F.A Signature near her residency in Cyberjaya! Thanks Hera!

Approaching the boarding time, Faezah and I rush to our gate! It was so funny that as we arrived at the gate people are still waiting to board in. We supposed to take our time if we knew the flight is delay. On the plane, All I did was sleeping, eating and talked to my neighbour while playing with her kids. It is my first flight to Kelantan, so I am excited as Faezah too! What a short flight! I didn't even have the chance to be bored as how I usually did everytime I fly back to my hometown.

Arriving Sultan Ismail Petra Airport, Kota Bharu, there is Arif, Nina, Ilya and Mira welcoming us. They brought us to grab our late lunch at Restoran Syakila. I am so full that time, so I just ordered ABC hehe because of the scorching weather I admit :') But Kelantanese wow! You're so generous with your various type of foods and your astronomically sweetness! I instantly fall in love with the foods here, minus the 'hypersugar' hehe but its okay, we can fix that part!

Couldn't thank enough to my Kelantan-mates who have drove us here and there and to make sure we're safe and sound despite of the unexpected changes happen.  If you're reading this, Thank you tau! Hanya Tuhan saja yang dapat balas jasa kalian! hehe ;) and Thank you too to Faezah, for a lovely place to stay, the food and all! Love ya! alsooo not to forget those who have helped us a lot! Ika and her family! They've been look after us for days! Send and fetch us from class. Prepare us lunch and bring us for dinner. I feel truly like home. Just like the primary school old days! hehe. Her parents have make sure almost everything are settled down, especially about our house. Ya Allah, I feel indebted! Please bless them with Your Rezq, Protection and Your Ultimate Love! aamin! 

*               *                *

Writing this means, I'm in my 2nd week of my clinical year. Alhamdulillah.

So many things happen, from house rents to clerkship orientation and the very first week of ward rounds and classes! I take all challenges as an endorsement to grow better! InshaAllah!

To start my story, I was selected to be in the Internal Medicine posting. When I first heard about Internal Medicine, I have no idea what is about. The insects started to play their background sound effects hehe. But all I can say for now (because I am stiiiil learning) in short, "Internal Medicine is Non-surgical Illness" -quoted from Prof Khairullah. He is MashaAllah super nice! For example, they categorise diseases like Hypertension, Diabetes Mellitus in Internal Medicine. I hope you get a lil picture!

Our ward round begin at day 2 of posting, meaning day 2 in Kelantan is Monday! I am still adapting to their weekdays system since everytime I open my Instagram on Sunday, everyone is enjoying their weekend go out and having fun, while we're studying in the hospital and college on that day. But this week is a very light-easy-to-go week because most of our classes is postponed. (read : more weight load in the future!) Still, its okay. I take it as a adapting-kickstart week where lots of my "first-time moments" and awkwardness happen hehe. Let me enjoy this little things. I am grateful tho! 

Alhamdulillah.

Basically I start my day, as I enter out from the house gate, to meet this kind women, who's our neighbour selling meals and cakes. I used to peek from my room window when she's started to open her big pink umbrella to shelter her and her foods from the scorching weather. Her pink containers and pink umbrella attracted me for a couple days before I start buying food from her. Even Uzma noticed that she dressed well with baju kurung and nice tudung, when we first went to her stall. She is very friendly that everytime I went there, I will learn one Kelantan word and when I started to pronounced the word, she'll giggled at me hehe. Usually I bought the meal for my lunch and cakes to stuffed into my labcoat pocket, so that I can take a bite (hm lots of bites) to curb my hunger around the hospital. By the way, I love her gulai!

So again, about my first day. I am full with excitements and curiosity. I am eager to learn and experience new things despite of my nervous. My heart is thumping out! The very first case I got was.. 

*drum rolls*

Asthma!

The patient is veeeery cooperative! I bet Kelantanese is a friendly community! :)

and then during my first oncall, we got another asthma case.

and the next case is also Asthma. 

while the other teams, got so many bigger interesting cases. and I am kinda de-spirited that time. Thought that I know much about Asthma, but I don't. Then, I have a second thought that lifts me up ; It's okay if I've been given the same case at repeated times. Means, Allah wants me to. It's not that the lecturer selected them for me. It's Allah The One who moves my heart to approach this patients and I'm grateful. Because I know, Allah wants me to fully master about it! 

*challenge accepted* *you go girl!*

In time accordance to the given week is the week of Respiratory system, most cases we clerked is around respiratory system. See, Allah knows what best. :)

I can't say much about patients due to the ethics that needed to be obey to respect their confidentiality. But I learned a lot from them. Not just about the diseases they have. But their character.

One that slaps the inner me, is there's this patient we clerked. A women in her 50's stand by his bed, and I thought it was his mother. But she introduced herself as the wife of the patient infront of our patient's bed. Meaning, its the other team's patient. She naturally tells me the story of how her husband was admitted. From her husband was diagnosed with the disease, admitted to hospital here and there, I was "ooh" and nodding all the time, half understand and half not understand since she speaks very fast with mixed words in Kelantan dialek. Then as she told me her husband was diagnosed with cancer, I was shocked and it breaks my heart. So I thought of calming her down because we naturally knew even the relatives must be in pain to know their loved ones in pain. Hence, "lets say good things to her"- said my heart. So I say "Sabar ya makcik. InshaAllah makcik boleh hadapi semua ni!" and then the women replied "eh takde gapo lah. makcik dan pakcik ok je ni. sebab Tuhan sayang kan?"

that "Tuhan sayang kan?", ya Allah! My knees feels like to wobble and I wish to hug her! Look how strong she are! 

Most of us when hit rock bottom, we tend to complain "why this happen to me?" "why that.." not realizing,

"If Allah intends good for someone, then he afflicts him with trials"

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5321

"The greatest reward comes from the greatest trial. When Allah loves people, He tests them, and whoever accepts it gains the pleasure of Allah and whoever complains earns His wrath. 

Source: al-Tirmidhi, 2396;and Ibn Maajah, 4031; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani. 

May Allah makes us among those He love.

*            *          *

Today is Saturday. Meaning tomorrow is another ward round day. and the next too. Uncounted ward rounds. Its going to be part of my life from now. I enjoy it. Although I may looked blur and blank at this early phase and couldn't do much for the patients, well at least the smile we laid could a little soothes their pain and sorrow. For the very least, the clerkship I took everyday is indirectly a chance for them to let out all their feelings that needed to be listen. 

Let this be a training for me to be more attentive and a good listener.

There are also days I felt I don't fit in. I felt I know nothing that I could cry. But I know this is just a phase, wanting or not, I must fight this phase, and work even harder. Allah have put from the beginning of this course with ease, until I passed the first and the second year despite of the horrible things happen and the challenge. I wonder why of all courses I want, He made me ease in this course.. and that curiosity makes me going everyday. There's something Allah wants to show me in here. Something in medicine, that I can reap and sow one day, in the after life.

Ya Allah, make us a good student, and a good doctor.

Let us be the doctor who we want to be treated as. 

We know nothing, but you know everything. Even the sea will dry to write Your Knowledge. 

So please, make us those who're seeking knowledge sincerely, and applied it by faith.

Give us good health and strength, to help those in need. Ease us in every ways, ya Allah!

Most importantly, please remind us, no matter how capable we are, everything is in Your Hand. You are The One who are in charge, all the time, Oh Almighty, All Power. We're nothing without You.

2nd Week of Internal Medicine ; CVS,

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

*         *        *

p/s : Oh! I encountered two teenagers with diabetes mellitus, peeps! and when I studied it, Hyperphagia is one of Diabetes sign. You know what is it?

Hm, I'm one of Hyperphagias too!

but I think, I'm hungry because I study and do a lot of thinking! 

My brain needs food to function!

but 

but

okay, no excuse. even for me too.

check out what you're eating, foodies! I know those food flatlays are tempting!

It happens to me too!

We can do this!!

#SayNoToDiabetes #NoExcessiveSugar

Cause soon I’ll have to leave it.

I know, that You could easily take away everything You’ve given me.

and I try to remember not to take anything for granted.

Cause I know that one day, suddenly this will all come to an end.

So my last wish is for You to be pleased with me.

Allah, guide me all the way to Your Jannah. 

Ya Allah, don’t let me go astray cause I need You by my side, I wish to be close. 

Close to You through out my life.

Allah, be with me all the way.

I know that sometimes I do forget that my next breath could be the last. 

Forgive me! Cause I can’t thank You enough. Forgive me, when I doubt Your love. 

Now I pray for that day when all this stops and comes to and end. 

So my last wish is for You to be PLEASED WITH ME.

Day by day passes, and I think that my time could be near,

 So I pray, Oh God let this world to be in my hands,

and not in my heart.

Cause soon I’ll have to leave it..

Who are those who have Life-Long Peace ?

"..which then of the two parties is surer of security, if you know" Al An'am : 81

"..Maka manakah di antara dua golongan itu yang lebih berhak mendapat keamanan (ketenangan), jika kamu mengetahui?"

"Those who believe and do not mix their faith with inequity, those are they who shall have the security and they are those who go aright" Al An'am : 82

"Orang yang beriman dan tidak mencampur adukkan iman mereka dengan kezaliman, mereka itulah yang mendapat keamanan, dan mereka itulah  orang yang mendapat petunjuk"

*            *            *

There is such people who finds peace once in awhile, in other than Islam.

But who deserves consistent, constant life-long peace?

This are people who truly came to believe and did not violate the rights of their faith by doing bad things, by doing the wrong things. 

*             *           *

Some of them can sit for 4 hours doing meditation, in one position and not move and you look at them, "man, this guy is really peaceful. He finds peace in it. He is calmed down"

Some people do yoga, and they find peace.

Some people listen to classic music and find peace.

So if you want to talk about how people finding peace, they'll said "I find peace in different things, different way!"

Somebody just like to sit at the beach and see the ocean waves and they find peace. 

That is just a calmness of emotion that acts temporarily.

What we're talking about when we say Peace, is actually :

 Our concerns, our grieves, negative emotions aren't just taken away for a little while, but You have a constant source of putting those things into perspective.

A lot of practices of peace that people do ; They like to forget their reality. In other than faith. In other than Allah SWT.

People like to forget their reality.

So a lot of people find peace when they get drunk. You know why?

Because when they drunk, they can't think. So they forget about their problems.

A lot of people find peace when they take drug. 

Because when they take drugs, their mind is gone. So they don't have to worry about their problems.

A lot of people find peace by playing video games or watching movies. 

Because when we're playing the video games and watching movie, we're not thinking about our own life. So its happy time. But as soon as it ends, we're like "Oh I don't want to face reality again! Put the next movie on!" and put the next one on, and the next.. and we keep cycling this things because of our own reality we can't face. 

The difference with us is, Our Faith, Imaan. If we really have it, we don't have to run from reality.

We can face reality and still be at peace.

All other options, All other avenues to find peace, they want us to get away from life.

Sometimes, what people do to find peace is they take vacation.

They go away from everything they know.

What do we do when we want to find peace?

We go in the jemaah, we go towards people and Pray to Allah, TOGETHER.

That's what should we do right?

So we face reality and this is The Beauty of our Faith.

Some peace you will find, 

but NOTHING like ALLAH WOULD GIVE YOU INSIDE OF THIS DEEN.

Protect your Imaan, and you'll always have a life-long peace, inside and out.

InshaAllah, May Allah guide us.

*           *            *

p/s : The next part of move on journey is still in draft. I'll resume it when I have big space of time! 

Thank you for reading. See you at the next post inshaAllah! ;)