Saturday, September 9, 2017

Move On Journey I : The Struggle

Writing about this, wasn't easy.
 
Not because of its pain. But because I almost forgot how it happen. Everything changes so fast. Like a roller coaster, change in height and positions, in a split second!
 
But here I am writing just to extract some wisdoms and lessons from my broken phase to help those who in need. Most importantly, for myself in the future.
 
I received some DMs mostly asking about how do I move on easily? How I did it so fast?
 
and to be honest, It wasn't and never easy. Fast? No. It is a journey. Moving On is a Process. You got to do it every single day. Meaning, the first try you won't be succeed. Sometimes not even in the second and third time. You'll break and burst the inner voice in you. But that doesn't mean you have to stop. Moving On is a process, and we must keep going and keep trying. Soon, you'll be there :)
 
I would not paint you a perfect picture of it. But here's the reality that hits me.
 
Back then, I was knock down with bad fever which made me so weak to even defend myself. I barely stood up for my rights that I end up agreed to break up with a crushing shattered heart. Did I cry? Yes, very bad. I even could not believe myself that I hardly sleep and keep on awake with palpitations, when I knew I am a person who doze off easily.  I could not believe myself, that I ate not even half, not even hungry, when I knew I am a high appetite one. I may looked calm at the outside, but there's so much chaos within and around me. I can't believe myself that I ever thought of giving up with life, with my studies.
 
All I did was, crying and thinking why this thing happen.
"Have I not given my all? Have I not be good or loyal enough?"
 
My parents even try to win my heart. They asked me what I want to shop, what I want to eat, let's go somewhere and do something you want. To distract me. But I am all blank. I don't even know what I want.
 
I myself surprised the changes in me. It feels like watching myself in a drama. The one that locked herself up in a room, stays in bed through out the days. I was even in a denial. I read back all those conversations, repeatedly. I act like nothing happen as I even blog out some posts about the happy 'us' ! I dance and sang out loud to the extent I cried myself at the corner of my room.That's the point I knew I am already out of my mind. and you think, IT IS EASY? I even asked Allah to remove all memories from my head just so I don't remember a single thing about everything.
 
I knew myself that I'm a girl with all those hype and positive vibes.
Yet, it is not impossible for someone like me to fall apart too.
 
 
To the point that I am tired of the same emotional stress routine, one day I happen to awake in the middle of the night, take wudhu and cried the whole me on the prayer mat. I asked Allah, "If this is good for me, then please show me Your signs. If he is not the one for me, then please put me away from him and he away from me. Ease me ya Allah.. I'm begging You.."
 
I cried and cried until I fall asleep on the praying mat..
 
and that's all how my 'move on' journey begin..
 
 
*     *     *
 
 
With the little spirit in me, I started to distract myself from the chaos of my life. First I tried to do covers. I know it sounds funny, but it is actually my favourite thing to do. I looked up for songs, but nothing suits me. All songs seems to not aligned with what I want. I can't go with all those breaking, sorrow lyrics because it speaks to much of myself. Yet I couldn't even go with happy songs, because I feel like lying myself.
 
Strolling down looking for songs until I coincidentally found this "Hanya PadaMu" by Ainan  Tasneem. It has simple meaning and very calming. I keep on singing and singing not knowing I was actually calmed by the zikr in the lyrics itself. I started to search for another kind of song like that, and I found Heliza Helmi's Jom Album. Ya Allah I had never been so calm after listening to it. Little did I know, as I repeating their songs, it actually penetrate light into my heart, and sparks a fire in me to start picking myself up.
 
 
 *    *     *
 
My holiday came to an end and yet I was still in fear. I have no idea how to handle this alone. So, I texted my sister to wait me at the airport. As I arrived, Hera and her friend, Anis were there to pick me up and we went for early dinner. We also went to  MPH and so I grab this "365" by Dr Anwar Fazal as the initiator of my daily spirit for my new semester, ehm new life?
 
I thought I would read it, one page a day. I am wrong. I finish the whole book in less than a week. So eager of moving on.
 
and still you think it is a SMOOTH SAILING?
 
 
 
*     *      *
 
 
There are also days I started getting rumors of things I expected yet I don't want to hear about it. I'm the kind who off to bed early and wake up after 5 hours sleep. So it was 3 am, and I started to scroll down my socmed and I found something that breaks me. A lot. I couldn't stand it anymore and I take wudhu  to calm myself. But thinking of  "why I don't just pray away this sadness?" -- I spread the prayer mat, and cried as much as I could.
 
The next day, I started to unfollow account(S) that has potential of making me thinking of relationships. Not the account of that man though. because I have the thought of we're "professionally friend" (okay I want to laugh about this idea). You know those relationship tweets and instagram photos. Those aren't healthy. I even stayed away a LOT from my socmed at those times. I usually used pour everything that cross my mind especially in twitter. But now no more. I DONT TWEET A SINGLE THING OR FAV A SINGLE THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH MY FEELINGS.
 
 
*      *     *
 
 
 
Still had no plan on how exactly things I should do to move on. But one thing I know for sure ; To distract myself from anything that could break me. I started to avoid music, dramas and movies. I started looking for something to re-develop myself.  I could not lie myself that it did not affect my studies. I was devastated when I failed my first easiest system at the beginning of the new semester.
 
And again I tried to pick myself back again for the next system. I still remember during the study week of CVS end of block exam, I begin to plug into Yasmin Mogahed's 3 mins lecture.
 
Tears falling.
 
Here's what she say - that put me to the next level of Moving On ;
 
 
Understand the nature of Hardships.
 
The reason He gives hardships is to bring us back to Him. To humble us. It is a wake up call for us.
 
لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْجِعُونَ
 
 
The purpose of Hardship will become a blessing, if we in fact Come Back to Him.
 
 
Through the process of hard and difficulty, Allah is actually purifying the believers.
 
وَلِيُمَحِّصَ اللّهُ الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ    
"And that Allah may purify the Believers (through trials).." Ali Imran : 141
 
and the word "tamhis" is the same word that the gold goes through.  You know like the gold bars?
If we want to purify gold, what do we have to do to it? We have to heat it up until the impurities are removed, and then it is going to be a pure gold.
 
That process of heating up is Tamhis ; Purifying.
Allah swt says He is doing that to His believers.
 
So through our hardships and our loses, Allah is actually purifying our heart.
 
 
 *        *       *
 
 
How do I know the hardship is a punishment or a blessing?
 
and the answer is ; It depends on our reaction, our response to the hardships.
 
There are 3 response :
 
1. When a person response to their hardship with anger, with impatient ; then it could be a sign of a punishment, until/unless the person change their response.
 
2. When a person response with patience, then this is a sign that the hardship is a blessing and it is actually an expiation, which removes, wipes off sins. Like the hadith leaves falling from a tree.
 
3. The highest level of response is Redha or Contentment. When a person response the hardship with contentment, this is not just purification but also an elevation with Allah swt in a person's status. There are some people who Allah wants them a specific level or a specific status, which they could not reach by their deeds alone, and so He give them Hardships. SubhanAllah!
 
 
till I heard the last response, I get chills and tears falling again.
That's when I DECIDED to be content of everything that happen.
 
I don't want the sadness I went through is something I regret. I should be thankful that this is the time to elevate my level in His sight. Assume it like playing a game. To know how capable, how strong, how worth you are is when you PASS the game to the next level. You don't want to  just  stay on the same level, don't you?
 
That's life.
 
Allah wouldn't say okay I'm going to put you in a test tomorrow with a loss of something or someone you love. Study tonight and be prepare.
 
But he already reminds us, that life is a test.
 

"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient " Al Baqarah : 155

Can't we see, He directly said "give good tidings to the PATIENT", because HE wants to put us to the next level!
 
and you think that's it?
 
the next ayah Allah mention who is the PATIENT?
 

"Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return." Al Baqarah : 156

Unfortunately these days, we would only recite Innalillah wainna ilaihiraajiun when people die. When supposedly these ayah should be the core of our heart. ANY tests not just when someone passed away, should remind us that We belong to Allah. And if we fall in this life, remember to return back to Him, because Indeed and eventually We will return back to Him
 
and that's it.
 
The Ultimate Key of Moving On is : TO RETURN BACK TO HIM.
 
and when we indeed return back to Him, that's when we know the test is a blessing not a punishment.
we might not know what will be ahead of us. But as long as we seek Him, He will indeed be there for us.
 
He put you into the test and He will surely get you through it. You just need the power of TRUST IN HIM.
 
and how to have the power in trusting Him? What is the next step of moving on?
 
InshaAllah I will continue at the next post. I've been writing so long already. Just so you know, I want to emphasize that no one move on easily unless they asked Allah to make it ease. and it should be paired with efforts. We gotta walk the talk. So the next it is more about the literal thing I do to get back up.
 
*      *       *
 
To dear Syuhada-in-the future, If you're reading this again, know that you've survive so much because of Him, remember to always return back to Him and you'll survive again in the next struggle :) I love you, don't hurt yourself.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2 comments:

  1. indeed when we put everything to Allah, He will enlighten and ease everything for us. Praise be to Allah swt

    ReplyDelete
  2. So comel hearin (literally) you sayin "I love you" for the first time andd you say it for yourself ❤️ yes, love yourself first and foremost ��

    ReplyDelete